My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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