i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
