I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
