kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
