Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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