she was so not down for the gang bang
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
