she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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