i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
