it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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