She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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