what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
