with your own penis?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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