so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
