My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
