Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
