probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I love having hate sex.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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