I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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