Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
