he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
