We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
