Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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