i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I am mentally ready for anal.
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