I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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