the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
