Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
