I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
