you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
