The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
