so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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