And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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