my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
