we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
