my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
