wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
jump out the window naked night went bad
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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