can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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