did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
