she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
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