you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
