Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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