Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
