I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
