Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize