I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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