I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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