i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
