I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
