This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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