im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
