I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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