Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
