People with herpes should wear stickers.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
