How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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