Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
