I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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