New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
