if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
