Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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